I know this is not a profound thought, but let's just be honest people.
what are we living for? What are we driving towards? And what do the things that suck at our life, yet at the same time ironically support our lifestyle, contribute to that end goal?
Maybe I'm wondering what the essence of that end goal is....happiness?
It may seem simple
I have been struggling between a balancing act of preparing for a future that I one day think I am hoping for, and wondering why I'm not just living to get at the essence of whatever it is I am "hoping for", right now.
I can understand my purpose in its basic form.
I also know that if I lose my dependence on God, my belief toward authentically loving others, or my unfocused desire to simply be filled with the joy of God's simple but powerful presence; then I will never truly be fulfilled. I've tried that road.
Maybe it is naive to even put fulfillment (and what defines it) in any sort on the table, as if it's an end goal.
There must be something I am missing here.
There are collected moments from my life that I remember feeling in this place of peace that I am trying to explain. Sufficiency does not seem to fit for this, satisfaction nor pleasure.
If peace is the only word that fits then maybe it is happiness that I seek.
Maybe it is rest in the simple glories of God.
The problem is that my life is crowded, excuse or not, it is. More so my life is crowded with time spent doing things that I can't say I am honestly happy in.
I've been trying to fit a somewhat stereo-typed box of success, and I'm not fitting in here. Easy to hide in, but hard to breathe.
I think I've been through this at least once year, but why do I measure my success with the rest of this world? Do I adjust to puzzle into the world, or do I adjust the world around me to fit what I believe?
God knows my struggles in life, and I want to trust he is enough...I know that he is, so why can't I act on my words and have faith.
and let go
my feelings about public postings: they hold me somewhat accountable. I like people to know what they are getting with me, crazy or crazy.
Hey! I'm glad you linked your new blog to LJ, cause now I've found you and have much enjoyed reading your thoughts.
ReplyDeleteAnd I have a thought in response. Of course we are always longing for something--future fulfillment or what have you. But sometimes I wonder if finally arriving would result in restlessness because there is no more journey--and isn't that what life is? A journey? It's about the getting there, the seeking.
Sometimes I think there is no arrival at fulfillment until Heaven. And when we get there, sometimes I am afraid it will be boring because it will all be figured out. I am probably wrong about Heaven being boring, but sometimes I wonder.
laura! I agree with not needing fulfillment, or that not being what I'm trying to get at, that's why I took it back. I have similar feelings about heaven, not so much the boring part, but more so wondering why I don't care about it more.
ReplyDeleteI have always advocated trying to avoid the "arriving" at a place of highest limits, and I know that I will always be on a journey, I like it that way too. I do wonder what it is I'm striving for if that is so. I have been wanting more rest in the simple greatness of stepping out with God, and taking chances with him. My teaching job has recently been consuming me and I have been very stressed out and feeling unhappy. I have always wanted a more simple life, and I just want the courage and faith to let go of the things I crowd my life with, or think I need to be doing.