I know this is not a profound thought, but let's just be honest people.
what are we living for? What are we driving towards? And what do the things that suck at our life, yet at the same time ironically support our lifestyle, contribute to that end goal?
Maybe I'm wondering what the essence of that end goal is....happiness?
It may seem simple
I have been struggling between a balancing act of preparing for a future that I one day think I am hoping for, and wondering why I'm not just living to get at the essence of whatever it is I am "hoping for", right now.
I can understand my purpose in its basic form.
I also know that if I lose my dependence on God, my belief toward authentically loving others, or my unfocused desire to simply be filled with the joy of God's simple but powerful presence; then I will never truly be fulfilled. I've tried that road.
Maybe it is naive to even put fulfillment (and what defines it) in any sort on the table, as if it's an end goal.
There must be something I am missing here.
There are collected moments from my life that I remember feeling in this place of peace that I am trying to explain. Sufficiency does not seem to fit for this, satisfaction nor pleasure.
If peace is the only word that fits then maybe it is happiness that I seek.
Maybe it is rest in the simple glories of God.
The problem is that my life is crowded, excuse or not, it is. More so my life is crowded with time spent doing things that I can't say I am honestly happy in.
I've been trying to fit a somewhat stereo-typed box of success, and I'm not fitting in here. Easy to hide in, but hard to breathe.
I think I've been through this at least once year, but why do I measure my success with the rest of this world? Do I adjust to puzzle into the world, or do I adjust the world around me to fit what I believe?
God knows my struggles in life, and I want to trust he is enough...I know that he is, so why can't I act on my words and have faith.
and let go
my feelings about public postings: they hold me somewhat accountable. I like people to know what they are getting with me, crazy or crazy.
