Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
restoring hope
It's 5:49 am, and did I wake up grateful to not be married. I think I woke up early to get out of the marriage (dream).
I had said yes (despite others disapproval) to marry a man
we spent about a month in engagement, as we slowly both realized that we should not be getting married.
I somehow completely skipped on the planning part and so my mom planned the wedding.
The dream raced to the moment where I was at the church for my wedding, and I was freaking out (not understanding how I got to that point). Then I was up in some strange and very creepily tall and old hotel getting ready. I hadn't even known what my wedding dress was going to look like, nor thought about bringing make-up or making plans for my hair.
I didn't have much time to get ready, so I was throwing my hair up into a mess, and then this humming bird flew in my window and was flying around freaking out from being trapped inside and hitting the walls. I grabbed the humming bird in my hands and raced him outside, although the bird didn't know I was trying to release him so the tiny bird kept jumping from my hands in flight.
By the time I got outside, and released the bird, it was time to go to the church. I found my mom and told her we needed to talk. It was moments before the ceremony as I ran outside and fell on my back in a pile of dirt, crying up to the sky, while at the same time telling her how "I've lost all hope". Then proceeded to tell her that I had no idea how this wedding was happening, but that I couldn't go through with it. My mom gave me her usual reality checking "KAtieee" (a "get it together" tone). And told me that I had made this decision and had to go through with it now, that I should have thought about this before.
I walked slowly into the church, head hung, and looked around with a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Suddenly the dream had a narrator who was describing how I suddenly started dancing at the alter, and there I was watching myself dancing.
When the dude I was marrying got to the alter (yea he walked there after I was already there) we had some time to kill before the pastor walked up. I pulled him close (almost shaking the dude to wake up) asking him what we were doing here, and checking if he didn't want to get married as much as I didn't. I was expecting him to agree, but he was calm and seemed to think it would be okay (a "were already here" attitude).
My mind raced thinking about if divorce was something I would be able to do, and how long I'd have to wait into the marriage before it was appropriate.
Next thing I knew we were hugging and laughing about God knows what. I thought for maybe a moment that I could make this work.
I think I zoned on the ceremony, but immediately after the whole church of people started rushing as a herd towards the reception room in the building. The crowd sorta pushed me along, as I was trying to escape and fight my way out.
This is when I realized that I had made no contribution to what the reception would be, and one of the worst parts that none of my friends were there...These two strange women, in sparkly tops, showed up by my side pretty excited about this event, apparently they were my brides maids...I had forgotten to ask any of my friends to be in my bridal party!
I ran out of there and ran all the way to the hotel. I ripped off my dress, threw it aside, and put on jeans and a t-shirt, and then I began washing my face with fruit. By the time I was done calming myself down I realized I had been gone for 3 hours, and that the reception (speeches, first dance, any other traditional thing going on) was finished. I started to feel really horrible about how I was acting, and decided I would have to learn to live with and love this man. I slowly wandered back to the church.
around this time I woke up and my hope was restored that I was Not married.
I'm not saying I don't want to get married one day, but it made me see that I am where I am supposed to be, for now.
I had said yes (despite others disapproval) to marry a man
we spent about a month in engagement, as we slowly both realized that we should not be getting married.
I somehow completely skipped on the planning part and so my mom planned the wedding.
The dream raced to the moment where I was at the church for my wedding, and I was freaking out (not understanding how I got to that point). Then I was up in some strange and very creepily tall and old hotel getting ready. I hadn't even known what my wedding dress was going to look like, nor thought about bringing make-up or making plans for my hair.
I didn't have much time to get ready, so I was throwing my hair up into a mess, and then this humming bird flew in my window and was flying around freaking out from being trapped inside and hitting the walls. I grabbed the humming bird in my hands and raced him outside, although the bird didn't know I was trying to release him so the tiny bird kept jumping from my hands in flight.
By the time I got outside, and released the bird, it was time to go to the church. I found my mom and told her we needed to talk. It was moments before the ceremony as I ran outside and fell on my back in a pile of dirt, crying up to the sky, while at the same time telling her how "I've lost all hope". Then proceeded to tell her that I had no idea how this wedding was happening, but that I couldn't go through with it. My mom gave me her usual reality checking "KAtieee" (a "get it together" tone). And told me that I had made this decision and had to go through with it now, that I should have thought about this before.
I walked slowly into the church, head hung, and looked around with a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Suddenly the dream had a narrator who was describing how I suddenly started dancing at the alter, and there I was watching myself dancing.
When the dude I was marrying got to the alter (yea he walked there after I was already there) we had some time to kill before the pastor walked up. I pulled him close (almost shaking the dude to wake up) asking him what we were doing here, and checking if he didn't want to get married as much as I didn't. I was expecting him to agree, but he was calm and seemed to think it would be okay (a "were already here" attitude).
My mind raced thinking about if divorce was something I would be able to do, and how long I'd have to wait into the marriage before it was appropriate.
Next thing I knew we were hugging and laughing about God knows what. I thought for maybe a moment that I could make this work.
I think I zoned on the ceremony, but immediately after the whole church of people started rushing as a herd towards the reception room in the building. The crowd sorta pushed me along, as I was trying to escape and fight my way out.
This is when I realized that I had made no contribution to what the reception would be, and one of the worst parts that none of my friends were there...These two strange women, in sparkly tops, showed up by my side pretty excited about this event, apparently they were my brides maids...I had forgotten to ask any of my friends to be in my bridal party!
I ran out of there and ran all the way to the hotel. I ripped off my dress, threw it aside, and put on jeans and a t-shirt, and then I began washing my face with fruit. By the time I was done calming myself down I realized I had been gone for 3 hours, and that the reception (speeches, first dance, any other traditional thing going on) was finished. I started to feel really horrible about how I was acting, and decided I would have to learn to live with and love this man. I slowly wandered back to the church.
around this time I woke up and my hope was restored that I was Not married.
I'm not saying I don't want to get married one day, but it made me see that I am where I am supposed to be, for now.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
wihtout a hint of pessimism, ultimately we all die
I know this is not a profound thought, but let's just be honest people.
what are we living for? What are we driving towards? And what do the things that suck at our life, yet at the same time ironically support our lifestyle, contribute to that end goal?
Maybe I'm wondering what the essence of that end goal is....happiness?
It may seem simple
I have been struggling between a balancing act of preparing for a future that I one day think I am hoping for, and wondering why I'm not just living to get at the essence of whatever it is I am "hoping for", right now.
I can understand my purpose in its basic form.
I also know that if I lose my dependence on God, my belief toward authentically loving others, or my unfocused desire to simply be filled with the joy of God's simple but powerful presence; then I will never truly be fulfilled. I've tried that road.
Maybe it is naive to even put fulfillment (and what defines it) in any sort on the table, as if it's an end goal.
There must be something I am missing here.
There are collected moments from my life that I remember feeling in this place of peace that I am trying to explain. Sufficiency does not seem to fit for this, satisfaction nor pleasure.
If peace is the only word that fits then maybe it is happiness that I seek.
Maybe it is rest in the simple glories of God.
The problem is that my life is crowded, excuse or not, it is. More so my life is crowded with time spent doing things that I can't say I am honestly happy in.
I've been trying to fit a somewhat stereo-typed box of success, and I'm not fitting in here. Easy to hide in, but hard to breathe.
I think I've been through this at least once year, but why do I measure my success with the rest of this world? Do I adjust to puzzle into the world, or do I adjust the world around me to fit what I believe?
God knows my struggles in life, and I want to trust he is enough...I know that he is, so why can't I act on my words and have faith.
and let go
my feelings about public postings: they hold me somewhat accountable. I like people to know what they are getting with me, crazy or crazy.
what are we living for? What are we driving towards? And what do the things that suck at our life, yet at the same time ironically support our lifestyle, contribute to that end goal?
Maybe I'm wondering what the essence of that end goal is....happiness?
It may seem simple
I have been struggling between a balancing act of preparing for a future that I one day think I am hoping for, and wondering why I'm not just living to get at the essence of whatever it is I am "hoping for", right now.
I can understand my purpose in its basic form.
I also know that if I lose my dependence on God, my belief toward authentically loving others, or my unfocused desire to simply be filled with the joy of God's simple but powerful presence; then I will never truly be fulfilled. I've tried that road.
Maybe it is naive to even put fulfillment (and what defines it) in any sort on the table, as if it's an end goal.
There must be something I am missing here.
There are collected moments from my life that I remember feeling in this place of peace that I am trying to explain. Sufficiency does not seem to fit for this, satisfaction nor pleasure.
If peace is the only word that fits then maybe it is happiness that I seek.
Maybe it is rest in the simple glories of God.
The problem is that my life is crowded, excuse or not, it is. More so my life is crowded with time spent doing things that I can't say I am honestly happy in.
I've been trying to fit a somewhat stereo-typed box of success, and I'm not fitting in here. Easy to hide in, but hard to breathe.
I think I've been through this at least once year, but why do I measure my success with the rest of this world? Do I adjust to puzzle into the world, or do I adjust the world around me to fit what I believe?
God knows my struggles in life, and I want to trust he is enough...I know that he is, so why can't I act on my words and have faith.
and let go
my feelings about public postings: they hold me somewhat accountable. I like people to know what they are getting with me, crazy or crazy.
Monday, March 1, 2010
pancakes
at times memories rush through me, floodgates hold them in and they store up
or else there are periods where there is nothing that I can remember, not even what I say moment to moment, it goes out, open windows let them in as quickly as they go back out
maybe my mind is slowly going away, but if it is then it's been going for a long time. mostly I think this is just how I am now
i process a lot, so some days my mind just takes a break with or without me, mostly without me. concerning or voiding the people around me, mostly the void
my thoughts are often in other places, i often don't recall how I get from place to place, especially while driving to work. drifting
as far back as I can remember into my childhood I've had a dream world that I spent time in. existed within
I've learned to function, but i can sense the disconnect, and i know the people i am close to are somewhat aware of it, even if they don't tell me they are
I have talked about the same things for years
.
life is good, but that is usually what disturbs me
work along with my masters program are stressful at times, but there is part of that which is comfortable for me.
i seek what I DON'T know
3 months till summer break...sabbath! I refuse to do anything I should be expected to do as a 25 year old woman
I want to journey
I want to be outside
to see a few new things
to have days that go against my natural tendencies, maybe spend a day a week where i stay in one spot all day, a blanket in the sun or the shade of a tree, maybe a friend along side of me
as much as I would like to leave the country this summer, it will be pending my finances
I could see exploring the country I am in a bit, grand canyon is on my mind a lot
to stand before an ocean...most likely west coast
.
these are not new feelings to me, but they are strange to feel again
i am curious, but not really wondering beyond the moments we have
i do have worries that are separate and distant
or else there are periods where there is nothing that I can remember, not even what I say moment to moment, it goes out, open windows let them in as quickly as they go back out
maybe my mind is slowly going away, but if it is then it's been going for a long time. mostly I think this is just how I am now
i process a lot, so some days my mind just takes a break with or without me, mostly without me. concerning or voiding the people around me, mostly the void
my thoughts are often in other places, i often don't recall how I get from place to place, especially while driving to work. drifting
as far back as I can remember into my childhood I've had a dream world that I spent time in. existed within
I've learned to function, but i can sense the disconnect, and i know the people i am close to are somewhat aware of it, even if they don't tell me they are
I have talked about the same things for years
.
life is good, but that is usually what disturbs me
work along with my masters program are stressful at times, but there is part of that which is comfortable for me.
i seek what I DON'T know
3 months till summer break...sabbath! I refuse to do anything I should be expected to do as a 25 year old woman
I want to journey
I want to be outside
to see a few new things
to have days that go against my natural tendencies, maybe spend a day a week where i stay in one spot all day, a blanket in the sun or the shade of a tree, maybe a friend along side of me
as much as I would like to leave the country this summer, it will be pending my finances
I could see exploring the country I am in a bit, grand canyon is on my mind a lot
to stand before an ocean...most likely west coast
.
these are not new feelings to me, but they are strange to feel again
i am curious, but not really wondering beyond the moments we have
i do have worries that are separate and distant
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