at times memories rush through me, floodgates hold them in and they store up
or else there are periods where there is nothing that I can remember, not even what I say moment to moment, it goes out, open windows let them in as quickly as they go back out
maybe my mind is slowly going away, but if it is then it's been going for a long time. mostly I think this is just how I am now
i process a lot, so some days my mind just takes a break with or without me, mostly without me. concerning or voiding the people around me, mostly the void
my thoughts are often in other places, i often don't recall how I get from place to place, especially while driving to work. drifting
as far back as I can remember into my childhood I've had a dream world that I spent time in. existed within
I've learned to function, but i can sense the disconnect, and i know the people i am close to are somewhat aware of it, even if they don't tell me they are
I have talked about the same things for years
.
life is good, but that is usually what disturbs me
work along with my masters program are stressful at times, but there is part of that which is comfortable for me.
i seek what I DON'T know
3 months till summer break...sabbath! I refuse to do anything I should be expected to do as a 25 year old woman
I want to journey
I want to be outside
to see a few new things
to have days that go against my natural tendencies, maybe spend a day a week where i stay in one spot all day, a blanket in the sun or the shade of a tree, maybe a friend along side of me
as much as I would like to leave the country this summer, it will be pending my finances
I could see exploring the country I am in a bit, grand canyon is on my mind a lot
to stand before an ocean...most likely west coast
.
these are not new feelings to me, but they are strange to feel again
i am curious, but not really wondering beyond the moments we have
i do have worries that are separate and distant
Monday, March 1, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
on my mind
quitting my gym membership and using next month's saved payment to buy cold weather running gear.
can i just go for a run in my winter coat and big snow boots? sometimes i do it for a short distance
how much it all matters, if it even does
why i have such a lack of interest in talking to most people
where the disconnect comes from, daydream head
how I can feel the differences, how I like them
my day is always ok by the end, because the moment I walk out of my office I am attacked by 4 & 5 year old hugs
trying to be patient, trying not to rush towards whatever it is I am rushing towards
trying not to assume what I need or want. slowing down, letting him slow me down, trying, still figuring out rest.
Letting go of time, doing what I am given to do instead of always creating things I think I should do
not driving to quickly into things that I am given
music, finding a reason, finding the words
how strange it is to hardly ever think about that person anymore, as if that long duration of time was just a moment that just passed through
memories compressed
if I am waiting for things to be perfect am I just waiting for something that will never come? maybe it is true, in this place at least, for this time.
Why do I expect my desires and dreams to be taken into consideration in a world like this?
looking for the concentrated beauty, appreciating it
working with my 5th graders is one of my favorite parts of my day. I used to sort of not look forward to it, but I have been finding a bunch of great articles of recent news topics to read and discuss with them, and they have such wonderful thoughts to share, and ask so many great questions.
It's so exciting to watch children learn.
i was asked to develop some after school art courses for kids at my school, which is exciting and exactly what drives the very reason I got into my job in the first place, but I'm worried about being maxed out.
I guess I don't need much time to do anything else between waking and sleeping. Anyway I'm excited about what I proposed
I can't believe it is almost a year since I started this whole change in my life, it is bizarre how much has happened in the last year. it gives me hope
new things are coming, always
taking in life
being the honest
loving what is put in front of me instead of searching for ideals
kta
can i just go for a run in my winter coat and big snow boots? sometimes i do it for a short distance
how much it all matters, if it even does
why i have such a lack of interest in talking to most people
where the disconnect comes from, daydream head
how I can feel the differences, how I like them
my day is always ok by the end, because the moment I walk out of my office I am attacked by 4 & 5 year old hugs
trying to be patient, trying not to rush towards whatever it is I am rushing towards
trying not to assume what I need or want. slowing down, letting him slow me down, trying, still figuring out rest.
Letting go of time, doing what I am given to do instead of always creating things I think I should do
not driving to quickly into things that I am given
music, finding a reason, finding the words
how strange it is to hardly ever think about that person anymore, as if that long duration of time was just a moment that just passed through
memories compressed
if I am waiting for things to be perfect am I just waiting for something that will never come? maybe it is true, in this place at least, for this time.
Why do I expect my desires and dreams to be taken into consideration in a world like this?
looking for the concentrated beauty, appreciating it
working with my 5th graders is one of my favorite parts of my day. I used to sort of not look forward to it, but I have been finding a bunch of great articles of recent news topics to read and discuss with them, and they have such wonderful thoughts to share, and ask so many great questions.
It's so exciting to watch children learn.
i was asked to develop some after school art courses for kids at my school, which is exciting and exactly what drives the very reason I got into my job in the first place, but I'm worried about being maxed out.
I guess I don't need much time to do anything else between waking and sleeping. Anyway I'm excited about what I proposed
I can't believe it is almost a year since I started this whole change in my life, it is bizarre how much has happened in the last year. it gives me hope
new things are coming, always
taking in life
being the honest
loving what is put in front of me instead of searching for ideals
kta
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
selective colors
we all have the same obsessions, depressions, expressions, suppressions, impressions, desires
we are all selective, objective, rejective, and it all means the same thing in one way or another
he must feel the same way
milk and honey will heat you up, sweet you up, hold you down
to the ground you stand on, you'll float on, till the weight gets thick
a weight enough to keep you still
rest here.
for gravity controls you, it pulls you
milk and honey will hold you down
and in time all our thoughts will be stuck behind
kta
we are all selective, objective, rejective, and it all means the same thing in one way or another
he must feel the same way
milk and honey will heat you up, sweet you up, hold you down
to the ground you stand on, you'll float on, till the weight gets thick
a weight enough to keep you still
rest here.
for gravity controls you, it pulls you
milk and honey will hold you down
and in time all our thoughts will be stuck behind
kta
Sunday, January 10, 2010
a dated piece
it's gotten better or worse since I started living alone
I used to live with a friend who would check my bed before I went to sleep in it, one time she found a pair of scissors, open.
If I had found it I probably would have just pushed it aside or have thrown it on the ground, neither choice is less hazardous nor put out more or less effort.
Once I took a picture of my old apartment. It was not until I saw the picture that I realized that all the cabinets and drawers in my place were wide open. I discovered a lot of other things that I had not seen before.
kta
I used to live with a friend who would check my bed before I went to sleep in it, one time she found a pair of scissors, open.
If I had found it I probably would have just pushed it aside or have thrown it on the ground, neither choice is less hazardous nor put out more or less effort.
Once I took a picture of my old apartment. It was not until I saw the picture that I realized that all the cabinets and drawers in my place were wide open. I discovered a lot of other things that I had not seen before.
kta
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